I WAS A TEACHER - A MEMOIR (Part V)
MISSING STORIES: DARK
SECRETS REVEALED
Life is still beautiful as long as we are still capable of
believing in what we know for sure is untrue.
On those darkest days of my teaching career, I still believed that there
was a beautiful mermaid down there far under sea and decided to get on a
lifetime journey to find her. I got onto the journey in a leisure way, thinking
that it didn't mean termination but discovery instead, discovering what was
secretly hidden in the innermost of hopelessness and impasse.
The Journey to Find the Beautiful Mermaid
As a tradition, we held a camping picnic every year on sand
beach when monsoon season came back in November. Monsoon season was the nicest season for a
coastal village with cool, fresh wind constantly blowing into mainland
from sea. Monsoon winds blew all day and
night long throughout the season provoking in coastal villager's hearts
smoldering aspirations as well as bringing in their sleeps dreams of couple
happiness. Therefore, for lone people, monsoon nights seemed to be longer,
colder with melancholy sound of blowing winds.
As far as camping picnic's concern, we usually started off
very early in the morning, so by the time we got there, we would be ready for a
whole day on the beach. Drinking party
usually took place in the mid-afternoon after which would be swimming
activities. And then we would be headed
back home at sunset time.
My journey to find the beautiful mermaid had started after
drinking party of that day. In tipsy intoxication, I stepped forward into the
sea whose tidal waves were violently clashing against sand beach. I kept stepping forward until my feet no
longer touched the sand underneath knowing that the journey had started: the
sea had opened its arms to welcome me surrounding me all around. I then felt
like falling and falling and then being withdrawn to somewhere….very, very far
away…
After an hour or so, when senses came back to my mind, I
found myself lying on the beach in newly-fallen darkness. In utmost surprise
and disappointment, I wondered what did really happen. So despite my efforts, I even failed the only
trip which I could afford at that time. Coming back home with my students, in
the darkness of a monsoon night, I realized I would be no longer myself of
yesterday. When you came back from another world, you would find that nothing
would matter any longer.
A suspension of my teaching activities was issued by the
school principle the next morning, accusing me of escaping attempt, which made
my students' faces look like a doomsday. They were so damned right with the
accusation: it was truly an escaping attempt. But had they known that it was an
into-the-sea escape instead of across-the-sea as they thought, had they known
it was the only trip which I could afford at the time, they would surely not
have bothered to take the action.
Light that Casts No Shadow
I lived on with that secret of mine hidden in my heart as if
nothing had ever happened: quieter and
much colder-looking, though. Days and
nights grew longer and longer. And that
emptiness in my soul grew emptier than ever.
On following hopeless days, I vaguely sensed something going
on in my daily life: more and more eyes
looking at me in a strange way, which later lured me into some discreet dating,
which I was not proud of, and some social relationships, which got me deeper
and deeper into alcohol, coffee and cigarettes. Actually, there should be
nothing wrong with dating if it was not with innocent student gals who looked
up to me as an" idol" teacher (even though I was not teaching them).
There should be nothing wrong with dating ethically, if it came out of
sensation. I felt guilty resorting to it
as a means to fill up the void of my soul, to escape the hopelessness of my
then life. Nor should there be anything wrong with social relationships if all
alcohol, coffee and cigarettes were not offered free of charge out of
infatuation. There was no fairness in
such relationships despite my meager plight.
The novel "Light that Casts No Shadow" by Junichi
Watanabe came to my hands in the thick smoke of cigarettes, in the extremely
bitter taste of coffee and in the devastating flavor of alcohol. I had read it over and over identifying myself
on every page of its: the unbearable pain, the ultimate emptiness, the hopeless
efforts to escape, the destined termination of a human life…
It is true that there are some lights that operate but never
cast a shadow, there are some human-beings who live but never cast a shadow -
people without shadows.
I found myself one of them.
Jeffrey Thai
Dear Jeffrey Thai!
ReplyDeleteI repeated many times to read almost your posts. Indeed, you have had too much confidences to reveal out us from another language which it was not your mother-tongue. I am really proud on what you available, one Vietnamese person who has been enough courage to express for emotions and such sentiment makes vibrating into reader's heart as me. I am the same a Vietnamese as you.
For the part II, you have thought that you were born into a inaccurate family, a wrong country, and a mistaken century. Could you thought so? Even though I or you, we wanted or unwanted to something...it might seem between you and me also formed a chance of an agreement to admit that it was a destiny. Because, the destiny was as the imposition by an invisible power which that we impossibly avoided, we have nothing to tell more of it, of course, impossibly argue else!
A happy family was a loving harmony linking members in. A prosperous country was an equal society which people had the liberal and human right within it. And was only with the human civilization and progression for a nice century ? All of them, we didn't have the right to opt anything, we must learn responsibly about these....nothing better is accepted and satisfied on them by our judicious behavior, then to act leading them to a new creation what benefits possibly served return us.
"Nobody could have picked up a spot, local or country where oneself will be born"Since we have had presence in the world, until enough knowledge to understand ourselves who I am, all everything was too belated !
I would like to tell you right now of what we would have to determine if our responsibility at that time or right in this present time. What do we do to avoid the later of regret or remorse from our experience for destiny?
If we have said, our lifetime were due the destiny has located into circumstance as how that us no able refused our own that fate. For me, any circumstance of each us who was falling into any case, I think nothing better to do exceptionally we must be starting to go towards new from our positive perception, self-encouraging to be optimistic with a look of fresh pink into the life.
Arriving part III
Your teaching lifetime have overcome many incidents on such short time, from yourself own efforts you have had able escaped those "rotten life, rotten school, rotten society" were an extremely lucky thing. You were a really lucky man. I would like to have congratulation to you. You are welcome!
"for lone people, monsoon nights seemed to be longer, colder with melancholy sound of the blowing winds".
_ You had had the wonderful emotions, in these words are whose such as a softly poem flying high in winds, it was especially your romantic style.
I have not yet read this story over "Light That Casts No Shadow", but may be you have interested wanting to finish your memoir "I was a teacher" at here, of meanings what the ultimate determination was hopelessness and standstill in your soul since the teaching career for a while in Omon town, Vietnam. I couldn't have imagined where in this country having the refugee camps at that moment, and more I couldn't have known why did you fall into that plight? Indeed, in life, any thing also has its price to pay, and nothing in success that we were not experiencing a lot of bitter, loss inside the soul.
Also I am thankful your memoir was sending out some lovable messages by a Vietnamese whose had an unhappy period.
DeleteDear buddy,
I was really touched upon reading your comment since so far you are the first and only one who has sent me a feedback on the memoir of my teacher life. I really appreciate your concern and interest.
There are so many things I would like to tell you, but due to time limit, I probably share with you only a few of them.
First of all, I know that most Vietnamese don’t feel comfortable sharing their living experiences with others, especially when it comes to emotional aspect. The fact that I have lived in America long enough to get used to American culture is probably the main reason which helps me feel easy to pour out what have embedded deep down in my heart. I am so glad to hear that the writing of mine has touched your soul.
Destiny is a principle concept which was presented in the memoir. It is a controversial concept since different people have different viewpoints of life based on their own living experiences. Therefore, your agreement on it gave me such a wonderful comfort. I guess we probably have a lot in common.
The next thing, I would like to thank you for your congratulations on my lucky escape. It is true that it was a matter of luck, of destiny. I really could not make it without luck. Thanks to it, I felt like I was born again and I also found a reason for me to keep on living. Ever since, the idea of life termination would ever never come back to my mind again.
Finally, thank you again and best wishes to you.
Thanks your feedback to reply my comment, and I am also thankful on your posts what have inspired me to writing my emote down in your blog.. Indeed, in my english is not yet well, but I couldn't stopped while alternately read each your page; all of them is wonderfully, and I feel interesting yours.
ReplyDeleteWishes blessing to your healthy.
Friendly.
Don't feel uneasy about your English, buddy. I can understand what you were trying to say. Your interest in my English writing has inspired me to write more in English.
DeleteI stopped by your blogs last weekend and really liked what I saw there. I think we have much in common.
Good luck, buddy.